I have been noticing lately that some people believe they can’t prioritise their own goals because someone or something else needs their attention. They never put themselves first and believe that others’ needs are more important than theirs. I have heard many excuses for not sticking to a plan or not pursuing a goal, including:
- A neighbour was down in the dumps today and I couldn't leave her on her own;
- A friend broke up with her partner needed a shoulder to cry on;
- A family member is going through a tough time and needed to be cheered up;
- There was just too much to do and I didn't have time;
- A colleague doesn’t get on with the boss and needed to talk to someone;
- The dog just doesn’t seem right today.
… the list is endless.
Putting others first can be altruistic and noble, but not at the expense of our own needs, dreams and desires. Very often, the focus on other people is, in fact, a type of self sabotaging behaviour. Of course there are always exceptions, real emergencies are different. We can do our best to help others, but ultimately we are not responsible for their happiness.
When it comes to being there for others, it doesn’t have to be “them or me”, it can be “them and me”.
Recently, a client of mine didn’t turn up for an audition to perform in a production that she really wanted to do, because her friend was having a tough day and she didn’t want to leave her on her own. Now, that’s a lovely thing to do, but when it becomes a habit there may be an underlying subconscious agenda going on. For my client it wasn’t the first time she did this, it had become a habit. She realised she had an underlying fear of failure, and "putting herself out there" would make her vulnerable. Spending the day with her friend kept her safe within her comfort zone and stopped her from failing. Her self sabotaging thought was "You can’t fail if you don’t try."
"Failure is not the opposite of success, it's part of success." - Arianna Huffington
Limiting beliefs are like STOP signs in the brain, but the truth is, a belief is not a fact and fear is not a real barrier.
So the question to ask oneself is “How long am I going to give my life to others without pursuing my own dreams?” or “When am I going to stop the self-sabotage and put myself first?”
My client was able to stop that destructive behaviour in its tracks by changing the way her brain responded to the idea of "putting herself out there". BrainWorking Recursive Therapy (BWRT) helped her to feel excited instead of fearful. She decided that showing up and doing her best would be good enough, and no matter what happened it would be a learning experience and a great opportunity to improve her performance skills. She is now looking forward to her next audition with excitement. If something crops up like a friend in need, she said she will see her after the audition, or the next day, because she is just as important as her friend.
When you are ready to overcome the obstacles that are stopping you from living your best life, you can identify the hidden agenda, free yourself from limiting beliefs and counter any self sabotaging thoughts.
Do you have a dream you are not pursuing? Are you making excuses for not doing something you want to do? Are you telling yourself a story?
Ask yourself these 6 questions:
- What am I not doing that I want to do?
- What is stopping me from doing this?
- What do I believe will happen if I do this?
- Could there be an underlying fear of something or another hidden agenda?
- How long am I going to let this sabotage my dreams?
- When am I going to stand up for myself and do something about it?
If you need a little help overcoming limiting beliefs or self sabotage get in touch for a free consultation and find out how I may be able to help you. E-mail mary@innerspacehypnotherapy.co.uk or put your contact details in the box below.