Author: mary.bowmer@gmail.com

Life brings many ups and downs and sometimes the downs can seem insurmountable. It is understandable that we might look for support in navigating a way through.

As a trained professional, it is my job to help you on your journey of self-discovery so you can explore your thoughts, feelings and life challenges in a safe environment and discover the answers for yourself.

I offer a helping relationship, the support you need, a non-judgmental listening ear so you can arrange your thoughts and work through the things that are bothering you. A focused conversation can highlight areas of life that are out of balance and need to be addressed.

There may be deep rooted issues that you would like to discuss with someone who can help you come to terms with the past, grow in the present and become the person you want to be; there may be specific problems that keep you stuck, like a roadblock in your mind – you want to move forward but the problem keeps repeating, like a broken record; there may be a goal you want to work towards.

Mental health is no longer something we ignore.  It is a strong foundation for a good life.  We cannot build a house on a shaky foundation and we cannot live a happy balanced life if our mental health is unstable.

Mental health is not just about overcoming anxiety or depression, it’s much more than that and includes things like:

• resilience – the ability to bounce back from adversity in a relatively short space of time;
• thinking in a positive and constructive way;
• connecting with others and the ability to form good relationships;
• establishing healthy boundaries around your values;
• feeling confident in who you are and what you do.

The moment you decide to change represents the turning point.  You will know when you are ready to make a change, become more self-aware, question your thoughts, look at your assumptions, identify any unhelpful ways of thinking and challenge any unhelpful beliefs. Change is only possible when the desire to change is greater than the desire to stay the same.

A professional therapist can teach you the tools and strategies that will help to understand how your mind works, build that emotional resilience, increase your confidence, connect better with others, and become your best self.

You have been through tough times before and you will go through tough times again.  The one thing we can be sure of is that everything can and will change.  Stormy weather doesn’t last forever, the sun does come out and shine again, and a rainbow reminds us that there is beauty to be found even in the darkest times.

Someone once said, “asking for help is never a sign of weakness, it’s one of the bravest things you can do, and it can save your life”.

To find out more or book a consultation, contact me and let’s talk.

Have you ever found yourself worrying obsessively about something? Do you feel unable to stop the onslaught of worrisome thoughts that flow into your mind in an attempt to find an insight or answer to your problems?

We have all been there from time to time and sadly discover that going over and over the worries doesn’t actually solve anything, it just makes us feel unhappy. But don’t worry, it’s just a bad habit.

Our thoughts are powerful. Thoughts lead us to feeling good or bad.  Worrying is a component of anxiety, it’s part of the human condition. Having anxiety can make us worry, and worrying about things can cause anxiety.  Getting suck in the worry-anxiety loop is like trying to find your way out of a maze, you go down one path and arrive at a dead end, so you try another path, and on and on it goes until you end up back where you started.

In order to break the habit of worrying, we need to work with the brain rather than against it.  We can do this by taking charge of what happens to the worry thoughts, and interrupt the old brain pattern by using the creative mind and the imagination.   The imagination exercise below shows you how approach worries in a constructive and solution focused way, placing a boundary around them and compartmentalising them.

Imagination Exercise:

1. Put all your worries in a box: Visualise a trunk or a box of some sort with a lock. Place the box in a room in your house that you don’t go into very often. The worries could be represented by images, words, or a list of headings.  Lock the box and hide the key.
2. Decide to allow yourself to worry as much as you want to, once a day, for around 10 minutes.
3. Choose a time that’s not first thing in the morning, or last thing at night. Let’s say your chosen worry time is 4pm – 4.10pm.
4. At the chosen time, imagine that you are going to the room, opening the box and taking out the worries to review them.
5. In this ten minute slot you should only worry – do nothing else, don’t eat, don’t drink, don’t look at your phone, don’t do anything except worry and problem solve. Go over each worry in turn and convert it into a problem with parts, break them down into solution steps.
6. Separate the things that you can control from the things that you cannot control.  Decide to let go of the things you cannot control because it is pointless and a waste of time and energy.  Throw them into an incinerator and watch them burn, or just imagine them dissolving.
7. Of the things you can control, think of one thing you can do to improve the situation, and make it better for yourself – commit to taking one small action step and ensure you do it. Write the action step in your diary/calendar or do it straight away.
8. At the end of your worry time, close the box, notice there are less items in there, now that you have sorted a few things out. Lock the box again and hide the key.
9. If you find yourself worrying at other times of the day, say to yourself – “I’ll worry about that at Worry Time” and imagine putting that particular worry in the box and closing the lid, walking out of the room and closing the door.
10. Worry again the next day at Worry Time. Do this every day for a week and soon your brain will get the idea that you control the worries and you decide when to worry and when to let go of worries.

A funny thing happens sometimes, when it comes to worry time, you realise you have nothing to worry about!

Most people say that in hindsight, there was no need to worry after all.

If you need help with anxiety or worry, feel free get in touch for a free consultation. I offer a no-obligation chat to see if what I do can help you. Hypnotherapy/BWRT are great tools to empower your mind and give you peace of mind.

Mary Bowmer – September 2021

One of the major sources of depression is the immense psychological pain of unresolved grief. If you have lost a loved one, you may be feeling very alone or isolated in your grief.  You may wonder if you will ever get over it. When a loved one dies, you know nothing will ever bring them back.  The harsh reality of death means that it’s final, there is no going back, we will never have them in our lives again.

From out of the ashes we need to rise up, find our identity as a person on our own, and live our own life, for ourselves.  This can be the hardest thing to do and many people struggle, or become stuck.  Life goes on around us, and it may be difficult to think about life without our loved one, but we must eventually learn how to let them go.  It may not be easy to go through it alone, and it may take some time, but things will change. Life must flourish in any way it can.  Understanding the process of the grief cycle may help.

Background

The 5-Stage Grief Cycle is based on the work of Swiss psychologist Elizabeth Kübler-Ross. It helps a person who is facing death themselves to understand their feelings, and it helps us to understand what we are going through when we lose a loved one (or something of great value to us). There may be extreme fluctuations between activity and passivity, even from one day to the next, as the person tries to avoid facing the reality of the loss.  There are no fixed stages, each one may vary in length of time, and there may be other stages too, including shock at the news of what’s happened, and finally the readjustment phase.

Roller-Coaster of Emotions

Grief creates a roller-coaster of emotions which may be expressed or repressed.  Repressed emotions may cause unseen damage that can eventually lead to physical or psychological illness.  Some people use unhealthy coping methods in their attempt to get through the grief, perhaps drinking to excess or using drugs to avoid the pain of loss.  I have seen many clients suffering from anxiety, depression, sleep or relationship issues who have unresolved grief at the root of the problem.

The stages of grief

The old proverb says “Time is a great healer” but the immense pain of grief can last a lifetime unless it is processed in a healthy way.  A variety of emotions will normally be experienced before the calm reality of acceptance and readjustment to life without the deceased, but it’s not the same for everyone. People handle grief in a very personal way and it will take as long as it takes.  It is worth allowing yourself to express these emotions in a healthily way, to avoid causing further pain or problems.

Personally

On a personal level, I lost my mother in 2002.  She died after a short battle with cancer. She was 82 years old and was the most positive, optimistic person I have ever met.  I cried every day for two years and miraculously the tears stopped falling on the second anniversary of her death.  I went through the grieving cycle and came out the outer side. What was left was normal sadness which is still felt on special occasions.

Getting stuck

It is quite common for someone to become stuck in one stage for a time, feeling unable or unwilling to move on.    They may not be able or willing to accept life without their loved one; they may not be able to imagine a future without that person in their lives.  For example, a parent may continue to buy the favourite food of a child that has passed away, or be unable to re-decorate the room where the child slept.  Unexpressed anger may keep the person trapped in that stage of grief, where they are so angry at someone else they cannot move on, for example they blame God/the hospital/the driver of the car etc.  Unresolved grief can hold a person hostage for many years.

Going in Cycles

Sometimes people move one step forwards and two steps backwards, often unable to accept that they feel something different, as if it was somehow disloyal to the deceased. The stages don’t necessarily follow any particular order but usually begin in shock.

Shock: Initial paralysis or feeling numb at hearing the bad news – not knowing how to feel.

1. Denial: Trying to avoid the inevitable – finding ways to distract oneself.
2. Anger: Frustrated outpouring of bottled-up emotion and, like a pressure cooker, it has to finally come out.
3. Bargaining: Seeking an escape route or looking for any way to ease the pain, willing to do anything in order to turn back time, or bring them back.
4. Depression:  The deceased is no longer in your life and you have to live without them. The harsh reality hits home.
5. Acceptance: Coming to terms with the loss, finding healthy ways of thinking/feeling/behaving that include hope for the future.

Readjustment: There follows a testing of the water, readjusting to life and moving on in peace.

What can we do about it?

It does take some time to get through each stage but this will vary from person to person.  Some people do manage to get through the phases naturally and safely, giving themselves time to heal.  Other people seek professional therapy when the grief is affecting them on other levels.

Clinical Hypnotherapy is a compassionate therapy that can help to guide an individual through the various stages of grief safely, allowing them to express and release the emotional build-up that accompanies each stage in a safe environment.  This enables them to move on in life with healthy memories of the past and hope for the future. The hypnosis session works at a sub-conscious level, releasing the painful trapped emotion so they can feel more at peace with their loss and find hope for the future.

BrainWorking Recursive Therapy (BWRT) is a psychological process that can dissolve the immense pain and resolve the emotional “stuckness” that accompanies unresolved grief.  This allows the individual to face the reality of loss, process the emotion in a healthy way and readjust to life without the deceased with hope for the future.

Normal Sadness.  Professional bereavement/grief therapy will take away the intense negative pain but it will not remove normal sadness.  Normal sadness is healthy and, following successful therapy, may still be experienced on special occasions like birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas, etc., allowing easier access to all the wonderful happy memories of life shared with the loved one.

There is no right or wrong length of time to grieve, and many people transition naturally.  However, unresolved grief can cause a host of problems like anxiety, stress and sleep issues.  When this is resolved through compassionate professional therapy, other issues are often resolved too as the ripple effect works on a deeper level.

Memories of a life shared with a loved one are sacred.  Don’t let unresolved grief spoil them.

Immortality (written by Clare Harner)

Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there, I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow;
I am the diamond glints on the snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain;
I am the gentle autumn’s rain.
When you awaken in the morning’s hush,
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft star that shines at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry.
I am not there; I did not die. 

If you have suffered the loss of a loved one and would like to discuss any aspect of the above, or to have a compassionate, non-judgmental chat with someone who understands, please do not hesitate to get in touch.

Mary Bowmer – May 2021